Today I ate lunch, alone, in my car, again.
In the recent years I have realized that my friends have moved away. Or we grew apart. Or maybe we were never close to begin with.
The loneliness kills me sometimes.
My husband has been gone for 105 days and the number of times I’ve been asked and/or invited to do something I can count on my left hand.
Feeling unliked isn’t a stranger to me.
I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere.
I’ve never had a clique. Or a group. Or a circle of friends. For more than a season.
When I was planning a wedding I found myself bridesmaid-less.
With a crew of disconnected friends.
Sometimes I feel like I am the only girl in the world without a squad.
It’s not that I feel unloved.
I feel loved by my husband and our families and our beautiful son.
But I do feel alone.
I shop alone.
I watch movies alone.
I eat lunch alone.
I’m sick of being alone.
I just wanted to write this pity party for one for all the girls out there that feel alone.
You’re not alone in these feelings.
I feel them too.
And I’m here to chat if you need to.
Maybe we can FaceTime lunch in our cars?
Because I know I can’t be the only one… right?
There are some nice perks to being a military spouse- great health insurance, a stable income, and even discounts on subs from Firehouse. But there are unique struggles that those of us who share our lives with a military member.
Go ahead, say what you’re thinking: “you signed up for it.”
Okay, in a sense one may have an idea of what their life will resemble when you marry a military member. Deployments, separation from family and loved ones, the unavoidable moves.
Except there are moments you can not possibly prepare for.
Like crying in your car during your lunch break because you imagine your son eating “adult food” like a champ and your husband missing it. Missing it all. His inevitable first steps. First real words. Major developmental milestones.
Yes. I knew what I “signed up for” in a sense. But I couldn’t possibly see the hurt and pain and heartache I would struggle with in the future.
I thought military spouses were supposed to be strong. Resilient. Unbreakable.
I was wrong.
Some days I do feel strong. I push forward. I treat myself to face masks and happily work my side job editing papers after putting my son to sleep.
Other nights, I cry myself to sleep.
And that’s okay.
With all this said, just remember that on your lunch break when the tears flow freely and your heart feels heavy and achy- this isn’t the end. You might wake up the following day renewed and ready to take on the world. You might do a face mask and binge watch Gossip Girl. You’ll never know if you don’t try.
Keep pushing through the tough days- the sun will rise tomorrow.