I recently shared a brag post on Facebook about having a 4.0 in my doctorate program. I am extremely proud that I have managed good grades while juggling the different aspects of my life (3 jobs, husband, son, house chores, budgeting, meal planning, volunteering, key spouse duties, community initiatives, etc *this list could go on and on*) so I shared the post without hesitation. A friend of the family commented something along the lines of how amazed she was at how I juggled so many things. And just like that WHAM- I realized how pretty my life looks from the outside looking in. From the outside I am truly the woman I always hoped to be- the one who can do it all. She is a go-getter. She is doting towards her family. She can seamlessly handle and master the various roles she has placed herself into.
But this isn’t always accurate.
When you’re outside looking in everything can look polished. Perfect. Amazing.
But when you’re inside things are not always pretty. They can be messy.
Especially when the woman who can do it all has suffered with depression and anxiety throughout her lifetime.
This year, 2018, I made it my resolution to say yes to life.
And I did.
I was sick and tired of sitting on the sidelines and being too afraid to say yes to life.
So I went for it.
2018 brought several new, wonderful things into my life.
However, saying yes to life proved to be a bit overwhelming.
You should see my day planner.
Saying yes to life made my life look pretty looking outside in.
But it made things difficult.
Feeling overwhelmed is never a happy place to be.
I somehow took in this mindset that I needed to be busy every single day to be successful. To be worthy. To be happy.
For 2019, I want to say yes to life but also say no.
I want to say I can’t.
I want to say this is not healthy for me.
I want to say I am barely hanging on.
I want to be vulnerable.
I want to say I know this is confusing but some nights I cry myself to sleep. Some nights I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do everything anymore. I need help.
I want to say that if you’re outside looking in and you feel amazed at how well I juggle things please know that this is not always accurate.
Brag post perfect.
These are not accurate.
For 2019 I want to rest.
I want to recover.
I want to reflect.
So, new year, new me: say yes to life but also say no.
I want to “destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working or grinding in order to be successful”.
I want to “embrace the concept that rest, recovery, and reflection are essential parts of the progress towards a successful and ultimately happy life.”- anonymous