I feel as if I never really got better.
The depression will always hang heavy over me.
My limbs have been fighting against it for as long as I remember.
Lifting it up.
Pushing against its weight.
I couldn’t hold it up forever.
It’s as if I painted myself with gold paint.
For so long I was shiny and new.
Sparkly from the outside.
But the paint was a thin layer.
That’s peeling at the edges.
Underneath is nasty.
Paint doesn’t last forever. Over time it begins to discolor or chip in places and then what was once there is exposed for the world to see.
What I’m wondering is how I fooled everyone with this shiny layer?
Could they not see my darkness peeking through?
Did they think I truly changed?
I’ll always be broken.
The moment that monster crawled on top of me.
The moment she turned on that dryer.
The moment I heard our dogs yelp in agony.
The moment my Dad fell asleep in a room filled with carbon monoxide.
The moment I cut my wrists on that bathroom floor.
The moment I said I do.
The moment my son was born.
The depression has always been there. Growing. Lingering. Forming. In remission.
I’ve been broken.
The good and the bad.
The paint is peeling.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like giving up.
Throwing in the towel.
Dropping the act.
I feel so ugly.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
How can I expect someone to paint on another coat?
It will just peel again.
I am unfixable.
I came off the manufacturer line fucked up from the beginning.
They should of threw me away.
Why won’t I give in to the darkness?
Who I really am?
Why do I keep getting myself repainted only to find the paint peeling in the future?
I am throwing away my used paint brush.
Will you throw me away?
It’s for your own good.
Just let me go.
The weight of this darkness, this depression, reminds me of the monsters body. Heavy. Suffocating. Never ending.
I want to be done.
But here I am…
Purchasing a new paint brush. And a sander.
Buffer out my darkness.
Smooth out my flaws.
Then paint me up.
Make me new.
Help me heal.
Take my hand.
Pull me out of this darkness.
Make me shine.
Or maybe I should paint myself this time.
This darkness is not your burden.
You are not a hired hand.
It is not your job to fix me.